A Place of Refuge

Accompanier’s Manual – L’Arche Tahoma Hope Community
(Teilhard de Chardin from The Making of a Mind)

Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay…We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new; and yet it is the law of all progress that is made by passing through some stages of instability… and that it may take a very long time.

And so it is with you, your ideas mature gradually…let them grow, let them shape themselves without undue haste. Don’t try to force them on, as though you could be today what tie (that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will) will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming in you will be. Give our Lord the benefit of believing that God’s hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

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This excerpt was read at one of our orientation sessions. I fought back the tears, because I am not yet ready to be that vulnerable with this community. “I am a strong independent woman” as on of the seasoned assistants says to make fun of the “her” she was when she was me. (If that makes sense…J )

I can tell this journey with L’Arche is going to be much more than I originally assumed. I knew it would be a wonderful experience, but I did not expect it to be so much of a spiritual pilgrimage. But it is such a slow pilgrimage. It is a slow process to become part of this community, part of this story. I want yearn for the work to be over and to confidently know I also have a place in this community to love and be loved. But for now, as this poem pushes, I must “accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.”

Again at orientation there were many things that stuck out to me. One, was the meaning of words:
- L’Arche = Ark, Refuge… this is a place where people are save amidst the storms
- Ananda (one of the houses) = the joy with which we cannot live without.
- Anawim (another house) = the humble and lowly who will lead us home (or something like that.)

Some other quick thoughts:
- In the spirituality of L’Arche, God is the weakest and most vulnerable. The crosses born here are in wheel chairs, limited ways to communicate and so on.
- Community can make terrible demands too. (This statement scared me… because of my longing for the familiarity of my family and friends … can I give that security up for the risk of this community? Yes, I have only a 1 year commitment… but my fear is the urge that is already inside of me for more.)
- As we develop cognitively we grow further from God… as we age we grow closer again… most people with Developmental Disabilities never separate from God.
- When people frustrate us, it is best to think about what that person is touching in us, rather than complain about them. Praying for our enemies is about changing yourself, not your enemy.

A New Way of Living

Kendall Payne – Not Afraid to be me…

I’ve got a new way of living now
a little less of a lot A little more of nothing
Thought you might have seen the change in me
Little quicker to listen little slower to speak
I was wrong when I said I was strong
I am weak and I need All that you have to give
I cannot keep the voices quiet inside
Hear them sing hear the scream, at least I know I’m alive

Now I am meeting myself
and I am liking what I see
I am not afraid anymore
Not afraid to be bored
Not afraid to be me

Every battle leads to another war
Every day I’m reminded of what I’m fighting for
It’s never easy and it’s never the same
But it’s worth all I’ve got and so I’ll give it again

Now I don’t know why, I don’t know why
But it makes me want to cry, cry

I am meeting myself and I am ready to see
Truth can break our heart
that is when it will start to set us free

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This song entered my life during my Capstone class senior year at Bluffton. It has now become a strong theme in my life. I have been especially relating to the part of being weak and needing all that others have to give me right now. However, I am also realizing that when I say this is the theme of my life, I am lying rather blatantly. I am SO afraid to be me right now.

L’Arche, the blessed place, is full of brokenness. Broken bodies, broken spirits, broken volunteers… that one is me. It is not just the core members who are broken, but I also am in so many ways, broken, weak, and dependent on them to show me what it means to have a meaningful relationship.

I have found myself in the past days really hiding what I have to offer the community. I feel offended often that they haven’t all just taken an immediate liking to me and our relationship is suddenly in existence. I lose patience with myself in learning how to speak with the Core Members, what they need at what times, and how I can make their time at the workshop meaningful. But I realized today that I have many good ideas that I disregard because I feel under qualified and under unified with the Core Members. I have ideas and smother them because “I don’t know what I’m doing!” And it’s hard to admit that my feelings truly do get hurt when Core Members don’t want to do things with me!

I wonder why it is I feel so guarded right now? Part of me is fearful that if I truly let this community into my heart and see who I am, I’m never going to leave them. This seems kind of silly to me, but right now I long for home, family, and familiar friends so much that the thought of devoting myself to this community for a long time makes me sad.

But perhaps I’m simply being too hard on myself. I have been in this community for less that two weeks. It takes time to build mutual trust. The Core members don’t trust me yet, and that hurts my feelings. But if I were honest with myself, I don’t trust them yet either.

Still, there are moments I feel are truly sacred. Like when Father Jim cradled a Core Member’s head and stared right into her eyes intently, ending with a gentle kiss on the forehead. Or when one Core member ended the prayer at Communion with “Peace and MOCHAS!” (Mochas truly are joy for her!)

Many sacred moments I have felt at orientation. When I learn about the spirit of this community, I become more and more moved. These are some wise quotes that both made me nervous, and got me excited to spend this year at L’Arche:

- Core members understand A LOT more than they are able to communicate.
- The harder the core members are to handle, the more they have to teach us.
- They’ll teach you what a healthy relationship is.
- There will be days when you think you’d never had a real relationship until L’Arche.
- You don’t connect with core members intellectually. But they have an uncanny way of connecting on the deeper heart level.
- In this job, your heart MUST be present.
- You CHOSE to be here, and the choice will come up again and again.

Soul, heart, relationship, community, person-centered… no wonder I felt such a strong pull towards L’Arche it overtook my fear of being so far from the familiar for such a long time! Those are the things I thrive on, the things I meditate on, the things my gifts revolve around.

This is a radical year, but in a very ordinary way. Each day, I wash dishes, clean, take people to the bathroom, smile a lot, and take out the trash. My days are monotonously ordinary. But what is really happening, and what I hope will continue to happen, is that I am becoming part of a community of brokenness, but a community that has so much love, everyone's brokenness, including mine, is turned into beauty.

And the days go on...

While out on a walk with one of L’Arche’s core members, I noticed the core member was giggling to himself. I asked what he was laughing at and he said, “Oh well, you’re just so sweet is all.” Ahh… acceptance is good.
I changed my first adult diaper today. That was interesting. The anticipation of it was pretty dreadful. I mean – I have never witnessed the adult body au-natural… However, actually doing it seemed almost natural. It seemed just like changing a baby, but much more complicated and required a little more creative maneuvering.
I also had my first “wiping” experience the other day. Unfortunately the core member I was doing it with (side note – I absolutely love this woman. She could SO be part of the Hershberger family. She’s a little gruffer, lays things out like they are, and is completely hysterical.) yelped and jumped as I wiped. Now, my biggest fear in working with the core members to do this kind of activity is hurting them or making them feel uncomfortable/disrespected. My heart sank and I jumped right along with her. The bathroom was silent for a second and then she broke out in uproarious laughter. She was totally messing with me, the little booger. I then proceeded to nearly faint with relief!
The more I’m exposed to these things though, the more I realize I totally can do this. I can change diapers, I can wipe butts, I can do physical therapy, I can feed sloppy dribbling adults their food…partly because they need it, but mostly because I really am growing a love for these individuals. Maybe it’s also because I’m realizing how much they are going to teach me this year, so this kind of care is the gift I have to offer back to them. My gift seems pretty lame compared to the gifts they’re giving me…

Beginnings at L'Arche

I have officially started my year at L’Arche. My first day was overwhelmingly wonderful. I can learn a lot from this community about what it means to be welcoming, open, and loving to everyone who enters a community. My first day was filled with presents, hugs, kisses, and even a back rub. I got to know many of the Core Members very well and am excited to continue to work with them throughout the year. I think it’s going to be fun…draining perhaps … but overall good for the soul. It almost feels as if it isn’t even work. I just hang out with these totally awesome human beings all day long doing stuff I love to do. It really doesn’t get any better than that.

Life in the house is slowly moving along. During orientation it felt as if we had to evolve into this perfect intentional community right away, but I’m starting to realize that it takes time… everything takes time, and it’s ok to take things slow then add new simplistic habits as we go. Since the house is still figuring out budgeting, chore charts, and general house dynamics, it’s ok that we’re not right this second working of grey water usage or vermiculture or a big social justice issue. It’s all one step at a time.

As far as getting use to the community… it’s slow moving. I explored the city on bus yesterday hoping to figure things out. Some things are figured out (like where to get bus passes, use my bank, get YMCA membership…), however, I also spent hours trying to figure out the bus system (which I still havn’t figured out) and then locked myself out of the house. That was one exciting day that made me want to curl up in a ball and go home. The strange thing about being in a big city with no connections or car is that much time goes to waiting on the bus, and if you miss a bus or lock yourself out, there is no one to call to help you out! Mommy, daddy, and friends are not readily there to quickly swoop in to your rescue. That sucks.

I am also in the midst of a church hunt. There is a church right beside our house – Bethlehem Lutheran – that I’ve been to a couple times. It is a church with an older population but a big heart and want to grow their community. Ideally, I’d like to have a church with younger people I can meet and grow friendships with so I have some connections outside of the house. However, I enjoy this church, feel welcome to join in the choir and such, and love how convenient it is. I would never miss a Sunday if I’m next door! I could go searching for a different church, a younger church, but I’ve noticed that sometimes people can get very picky with churches and search and search for a church that’s just right. I sometimes wonder that if we would just go to church and remain committed to a body, then that church would become exactly what we need – a community we’re a part of. I guess I haven’t decided for sure, but I think Bethlehem Lutheran will be the church I decide to commit to.