A New Way of Living

Kendall Payne – Not Afraid to be me…

I’ve got a new way of living now
a little less of a lot A little more of nothing
Thought you might have seen the change in me
Little quicker to listen little slower to speak
I was wrong when I said I was strong
I am weak and I need All that you have to give
I cannot keep the voices quiet inside
Hear them sing hear the scream, at least I know I’m alive

Now I am meeting myself
and I am liking what I see
I am not afraid anymore
Not afraid to be bored
Not afraid to be me

Every battle leads to another war
Every day I’m reminded of what I’m fighting for
It’s never easy and it’s never the same
But it’s worth all I’ve got and so I’ll give it again

Now I don’t know why, I don’t know why
But it makes me want to cry, cry

I am meeting myself and I am ready to see
Truth can break our heart
that is when it will start to set us free

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This song entered my life during my Capstone class senior year at Bluffton. It has now become a strong theme in my life. I have been especially relating to the part of being weak and needing all that others have to give me right now. However, I am also realizing that when I say this is the theme of my life, I am lying rather blatantly. I am SO afraid to be me right now.

L’Arche, the blessed place, is full of brokenness. Broken bodies, broken spirits, broken volunteers… that one is me. It is not just the core members who are broken, but I also am in so many ways, broken, weak, and dependent on them to show me what it means to have a meaningful relationship.

I have found myself in the past days really hiding what I have to offer the community. I feel offended often that they haven’t all just taken an immediate liking to me and our relationship is suddenly in existence. I lose patience with myself in learning how to speak with the Core Members, what they need at what times, and how I can make their time at the workshop meaningful. But I realized today that I have many good ideas that I disregard because I feel under qualified and under unified with the Core Members. I have ideas and smother them because “I don’t know what I’m doing!” And it’s hard to admit that my feelings truly do get hurt when Core Members don’t want to do things with me!

I wonder why it is I feel so guarded right now? Part of me is fearful that if I truly let this community into my heart and see who I am, I’m never going to leave them. This seems kind of silly to me, but right now I long for home, family, and familiar friends so much that the thought of devoting myself to this community for a long time makes me sad.

But perhaps I’m simply being too hard on myself. I have been in this community for less that two weeks. It takes time to build mutual trust. The Core members don’t trust me yet, and that hurts my feelings. But if I were honest with myself, I don’t trust them yet either.

Still, there are moments I feel are truly sacred. Like when Father Jim cradled a Core Member’s head and stared right into her eyes intently, ending with a gentle kiss on the forehead. Or when one Core member ended the prayer at Communion with “Peace and MOCHAS!” (Mochas truly are joy for her!)

Many sacred moments I have felt at orientation. When I learn about the spirit of this community, I become more and more moved. These are some wise quotes that both made me nervous, and got me excited to spend this year at L’Arche:

- Core members understand A LOT more than they are able to communicate.
- The harder the core members are to handle, the more they have to teach us.
- They’ll teach you what a healthy relationship is.
- There will be days when you think you’d never had a real relationship until L’Arche.
- You don’t connect with core members intellectually. But they have an uncanny way of connecting on the deeper heart level.
- In this job, your heart MUST be present.
- You CHOSE to be here, and the choice will come up again and again.

Soul, heart, relationship, community, person-centered… no wonder I felt such a strong pull towards L’Arche it overtook my fear of being so far from the familiar for such a long time! Those are the things I thrive on, the things I meditate on, the things my gifts revolve around.

This is a radical year, but in a very ordinary way. Each day, I wash dishes, clean, take people to the bathroom, smile a lot, and take out the trash. My days are monotonously ordinary. But what is really happening, and what I hope will continue to happen, is that I am becoming part of a community of brokenness, but a community that has so much love, everyone's brokenness, including mine, is turned into beauty.